I'm reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. I'm only about 1/4 of the way through it, so I could very well have this figured out by the time I finish it, but here's what I've learned:
I've learned that I'm uncomfortable admitting that I want people to see me as captivating. For some reason I didn't think it was okay to want people to look at me and say "wow, she's amazing!" I want the attention, but only secretly. And I've learned that it's okay to want to be wanted. And to need to be needed. It doesn't make me vain, or selfish, or self-absorbed. Aparently it's part of what it means to be a girl.
I'm always fascinated by the whole "God made me in his image" thing. I love to read through the Psalms and see this anger, joy, sorrow, love, and even jealousy that God has given us. And I love to see how he has them too. I love the thought that as the creator, God formed us in him image and we are constantly a people creating our own art. We are like God in so many ways.
What I never thought to look at has been pointed out to me in Captivating when it talks about how God is a God who wants to be saught after. He wants us to seek him, to know him, and to delight in him. It's okay for me to feel like this because it's more than likely that part of God directly in me. God made me like him, which is why (even though I constantly fight it) I want to be saught after. And it's why I want to be delighted in and celebrated. It's why I want to be known and understood.
And I fight it so much. I am so uncomfortable with being celebrated, even though somewhere inside I want to be delightful. I fight tooth and nail the fact that I want somebody to love me and need me, but somewhere I know I want to be (and will be) the perfect wife to someone.
Why am I fighting who I am as a woman made in God's image?
Why is it so hard to give in to this part of my nature God has programmed in?
How do I hold onto humility and selflessness while asking the question "am I captivating?"
Where is that happy medium between secretly wanting to be desired, and overtly making sure people think I'm desireable?
God's will and Satan's tricks look so similar sometimes.
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2 comments:
Kari, thanks for being so transparent. That's a really interesting perspective! I think it is difficult to decifer God's will because Satan disguises that as temptation. We have to be desired for the right reasons. We need to long for someone to appreciate our love of life, our intensity about our passions, and our faith and efforts. I think it is also okay to desire to be appreciated for our external beauty, but this can also allow satan to use us as a temptation for men. I have thought my desire to appear attractive could cause someone else to stumble and I'd be responsible for their sin. But, it is okay to feel good about yourself. It is a fine line. BTW, you ARE beautiful. Inside AND Out. Love ya!
i LOVE that book! i'm rereading it for the third time right now:-) working with teenagers, i'm really able to see from a new persepective why I have the hang-ups i do, and try to change them in the girls in my youth group before they have a chance to really believe all these lies about themselves. for example, i was always told to cover myself up, because my beauty makes men sin. how much guilt does that bring with it?! but something i realized is that to really be what God made me to be, to really be a woman, i MUST let my beauty show. i'm made in the image of my creator. to hide my beauty, to disguise it behind big clothes and plain dressing really just show my shame in being a woman, and doesn't allow me to shine. i'm convinced that living like that, hiding from what God made me, is even more ungodly than going too far the other way--using my beauty as a weapon. there is a really good, obvious balance.
man, that book is awesome!!!
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