On Being a Big Sister

Saturday morning, I wake up at 5:30 to my phone ringing. It's Kali, so I answer it.
"Kari?" she asks very slowly. "Can you come pick me up? [pause] I got in an accident."
Now, being the calm, logical, levelheaded person I am I quickly ask, "where are you?"
"I'm out by the airport--by North Pole City."
Slightly alarmed that she would have to be at work so early on a Saturday morning, I ask, "What are you doing out there?"
"I was coming back from Lawton."
Most likely without masking the shock in my voice I ask, "what were you doing in Lawton?"
"I was at a Christmas party and it was late, so I went to sleep instead of driving home tired. I woke up early because I knew I had to work today."
"Good decision." I say. "Are the police there? Have you gotten all the paperwork filled out?"
"I'm sitting in the police car right now."
"Was anybody else involved?"
"No, I just hit the median when a car cut me off."
"Are you OK?"
"Yeah, just have an airbag burn. I'm alright."

We talk for a couple seconds longer and I head out the door to pick her up. I call my parents and ask if they'd heard from her yet, and let them know I was on my way to pick her up.

Why recount this conversation word-for-word, you ask? I'd like you to look over it again. And see how many questions it took me to ask "Are you OK?" The first words that should have come out of my mouth, and they were close to the last. This has been really bugging me for the past couple days. Why was I so concerned about what my sister had been doing, rather than if she was okay?

These 5am phone calls are what being a big sister is all about. If your little sister is in trouble, you drop what you're doing and you get her out of it. I've been a big sister for 21 years.
This was my first big sister phone call.
This was my chance to be there, as the big sister, and it took me half a conversation to even ask if she was okay.

I've always prided myself in my ability to put my emotions aside in an emergency and assess the situation calmly. One of my patients codes, I follow the necessary procedure. A kid cuts his hand and is bleeding profusely, I follow necessary procedure. Like a robot.
My sister calls and needs me to come get her--aparently I follow necessary procedure.

I'm a pretty protective person. But sometimes I let it come out as judgement. I take it personally when people I love make bad choices, and I proceed to try to fix the situation.
If I can fix it, maybe I'm doing my job as a big sister.

Maybe part of me was thinking my sister made a dumb choice, so before I'd go get her I needed to know how dumb it was. That way, as the big sister I could think about how to fix it on the ride there. Maybe when I found out it wasn't anything I could have fixed, I felt like I had to do something else to make up for it.
I still feel like I have to do something to make up for it.

Being a big sister is hard for me for some reason. I think it means that I have to be okay with being looked up to. And I think it means that I have to be comfortable with not having all the answers. I think it means I am required to be there, and shouldn't expect anything in return.