May 3, 2005

I wasn't really sure who to write this to. But I had to write something. Let something out, because sometimes you just need somebody to talk to. And there's not really anybody sometimes.
And there's this song that we sang senior year. Half-time, I mean. It was

I love you, Lord, and I lift my voice to worship you
O my soul, rejoice!
Take joy, my king, in what you hear.
May it be a sweet sweet sound in your ear.
My prayer, dear Lord, is that I may be a brighter light so they see you in me.
When I grow weak to the Devil's charms, shelter me in the strength of your arms.
I'm coming, God, when your trumpet calls, to live with you where no
tears will fall.
Until that day, keep my eyes on Thee, so with the angels I'll sing eternally.
In Jesus' precious name, Amen!

And I was thinking about Katie. Because she sang it, too. And then I
thought about the words. And how easy it is to sing notes, and
harmonies.
But what I guess I didn't realize is that God heard her.
He heard her say "I'm coming, God, to live with you"
and he called her.

How unprepared can I be? I sang that song for a whole year, and thought I was praying to God the whole time, but I can't imagine myself still singing that prayer if he actually called.
Do you think she knew what she was asking?
Do you think that's why she was such a bright light even when we were all in pain for her? Because she knew that it wasn't just a song?
And she knew that God was going to really actually hold her to the words of her prayer--and she was ready for it?
She's obviously singing with the angels, and there's clearly no tears where she is. But then why is praying that prayer and meaning it so scary to me?
Am I not trusting in God enough?
How can I let go of things I have here so I won't be so scared of saying prayers like that
and actually meaning them?
Saying "just give it to God" is much much easier said than done.
At what point are you actually putting your life into God's hands, in contrast to just letting go of responsibilities and being a chump?
Because I feel like I need to make sure that things I do are for the
glory of God, but how do you justify it?
What's even the difference between justifying actions, and squeezing God into your decisions? I can't stop making decisions about school and jobs just because "if God wants it to happen, it will happen anyway." That's not what he wants, is it?
So when I pray for God to guide me, and for my decisions and actions to be to his Glory--how do I know what to decide?
I don't know about you, but I've never seen any writing on a wall or had prophetic dreams.
I don't know if God wants me to stay here or move away.
I know that God is in charge.
And I know that he will provide.
But there are times when his idea of providing are completely different than mine, and it makes me afraid to even let him.
Everything I'm supposed to do is easier said than done.
So any advice on how to do it anyway?
Especially when the idea of his plan doesn't always seem like it's the greatest?

And that's where I am. And I'm feeling sortof stuck.

Before I started this blog, I wrote an e-mail to Patrick Mead because I had a lot on my mind and I had no one to talk to. Every once in a while I get to thinking about Katie Kirkpatrick. I'm sure anyone who knew her can relate to that. She just doesn't ever leave. The impact she made in 21 short years was deeper than many together can make in an entire string of lifetimes.
I was reminded of this e-mail today, and I wanted to share it. Because sometimes I just don't feel ready to answer God when he calls. And it's a reminder to me that if I ask for it, I'd better be ready for him to answer. Because he surely will.