They always leave.
They always leave and it's happened so many times it almost stopped hurting.
There is so much risk and responsibility in building relationships. And I used to be much more at ease with just sitting and listening. I would know my friends inside and out, amd they would know me.
And then high school ended and we all split up.
Correction:
And then high school ended and they all stayed friends and I went to a different college.
I pushed and pushed to keep those bonds but I grew apart from them and it took a really long time to be okay with that.
I made a few very close friends in college. Friends that you start talking, and 5 hours later you realize it's time for curfew. Who could come home with me for a weekend on a whim. Slowly, one by one, they all disappeared too. First Jenni. Than Caleb. Than Tim, and Jason, and Kara.
The unrealistic thing about college is that growing up creates different paths. And different paths create distance. And distance creates so many independent memories that you can't share and the only way to make it not hurt is to just harden.
I hardened somewhere between Tim and Jason. I got so sick of knowing people and then having them leave. I got so tired of sharing, then then to lose a friend to Ohio. Or to a wife. Or to Australia.
For a while it's still okay. There's phones. And e-mails. And the occasional special occasion. But anyone who tries to tell you that everything stays the same is blowing sunshine up your shorts.
After college, it took me a long time before I would take anything beyond the acquaintance level. I had two very very close friends back home in Livonia with whom I was able to share and in return listen and know.
And then I left. By the time I left I was already pretty calloused. And I stayed hard for a long time here in Oklahoma.
And slowly but surely I formed some thick relationships. Only to lose one to Texas. One to Kansas. And one to Ohio. Lost one to a girl, and devastatingly, one to the heartbreaking truth that she just can't stay here anymore.
And things will never be the same again.
Who wants me next? To take with you when you leave?
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1 comment:
You know, it's always incredibly hard to leave people behind, especially when you have this experience in college where tons of people your age are around you all the time.
Sitcoms promote this type disappointment too, when you see characters on tv spending every minute of their lives with their best friends, having a tight group of people around them all the time, never feeling lonely unless it's called for by the script.
It's sort of disillusioning.
But I know how you feel.
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