My Parents Are Funny.

One would think that if something were really important to a person that he would be able to treat it like it was important. In all honesty, I have a hard time taking myself seriously. Be it a side effect of not many other people taking me seriously, or the root of the aforementioned; I can't muster up the will power in myself to do the things I'm supposed to be doing.
I guess if you want to get technical, it's not really up to me to determine what I'm "supposed to be doing," but I guess what I mean is that I can't seem to set and reach reasonable goals.
I can't create the courage in myself to speak assertively to people who take advantage of me. And I can't finish a project any sooner than an hour before it needs to be done, let alone start it much sooner. I don't take responsibility for my shortcomings, but rather try to find the loophole in the process so I can make it look like someone else's fault. Because it always is. I find times where I am sitting on the floor, not looking at anything in particular or even thinking about anything really, and hours will pass by and I will be unmoved. Those hours could have been spent in prayer, in scripture, cleaning, running, practicing my guitar, or any random piece of activity that is anything more productive than sitting on the floor. And yet while I ponder these alternatives to sitting, as I sit, I can't seem to move to do them.
Is this apathy? Is this laziness? Is this some sort of post-graduate slump that is medically recognized so I can have a loophole and not have to blame myself for my lack of..well...anything? I am a very organized person who has the messiest room and office you will ever see. I feel the need to always be on a schedule, and if I'm not than things won't get done. If I don't make a list of things to do and physically cross things off of my list to get them done, I will not do them. Plain and simple. And if I skip over something on my list, the entire list is now null and void and I am just as lost as I would have been had I not made the list in the first place. I can clean very well. However, if things are getting a little messy, I will say "I'm going to clean this on Monday," and those three days until Monday I will not bother to put anything away. What's the use? I'm going to tear it all up to clean it anyway, right? (That's how I clean, by the way. I have to destroy everything first so I can make sure that the organization of the room at the finale of the task has nothing out of order.) I have to rearrange things often, or I won't have an excuse to keep things neat. If I lived in my perfect world, I would have cereal, broccoli, hommus, and yogurt in my refigerator and not have to worry about anything else except the occasional pancake or two. I don't require variety, I require order. My life does not have order, and it leaves me feeling somewhat lost on occasion. Moving to Oklahoma is seemingly a "fly by the seat of my pants" operation, but I'm calculating Plan A, B, C, D, E, F, and G for what will happen if such and such doesn't work out. I took a drawing class in highschool and we had to do a drawing using a technique called pointalism where the entire picture is made up of black dots of various densities to create illusion of darker and lighter shades. I started my picture, which was to be my masterpiece, and much to my dismay I could not make those dots all the same. I couldn't keep my shades of dark consistent throughout and in portions of the picture where there were very few dots to create a white or grey piece of the puzzle I calculated and squinted and measured where I would put those few precious dots so as to not throw off the balance of the hue. Halfway through the picture the two week due date came rolling through and I could not bring myself to finish. I couldn't stand knowing that some of those dots were not where I wanted them to be, and I couldn't stand that my picture was not exactly calculated and perfect. So what did I do? I went home the night before the project and traced a bird and outlined it in dots. I got an A on the project, and it only took me an hour. I hated drawing class. Every single project, no matter what we drew, went the exact same way. I would look around the class at the other students' drawings and I couldn't understand how they could think what they drew looked like the bottle and grapes sitting on the table in front of them. I see no thick outline on the bottle, and there weren't 9 grapes, there were 14. And they weren't that size either. What is the point in trying to draw those objects if they're not going to look EXACTLY like the ones on the table!? I turned in 4, maybe 5 of the projects that we had to do in the class. I turned in the ones that met my expectations. I didn't turn in the ones that didn't. For an elective class, I didn't do very well--that's for sure. Actually, that's pretty much the story of my life. If something goes according to plan, I keep going. If it doesn't, I scrap it as if it had never started. If I start a Bible reading plan and for some reason miss a day (you know, due to sitting on the carpet doing nothing instead), I tend to look at it like I never started in the first place, so what's the point to keep going. I can't catch up. What is this daemon I've created in myself? Why do I know it's there and still not do anything about it? For fear of failure? Perseverance is the key. I've learned that ever since I was little. But perseverance goes hand in hand with stubbornness and that is something that I lack. Initiative. What's that? Obedience I'm pretty good at. Tell me what to do, how to do it, when and where to be...I'm all over that. If you put me in a group and tell me to "problem solve" I'll kick your butt. Or I'll create a plan and take charge of the group. Or better yet, break from the group and do all the work on my own. What am I missing? I'm not stupid. I know that I can't take control of everything. I know that God is in charge. I know that if I would ask him for help than He'd more than gladly give it to me. I know that when I learn his word and am in the Bible daily that things have a way of ironing themselves out--and even when they don't, he still holds my head afloat so long as I seek him and cling to him. I know all this stuff. I've been learning it since I was little. I've been reading about it, hearing about it, sharing it with other people--you name it. Yet my problem lies in the fact that I still find myself sitting on the floor. I don't think I'm prideful, and I'm not afraid to be humbled. I don't think I'm afraid to humble myself. I definitely am always talking to God, and being alone with him. So why am I not making the connection? What can I do to just give it all up? I make my lists upon endless lists, and no matter what order I put things on them, I can't find the proper balance of importance so I can start. Am I crazy? Tell me there are people out there who aren't institutionalized who can relate. Because the people who I meet who say "oh, I'm just like that with the list thing," have NO idea. They actually complete what's on their lists. Their rooms and desks are immaculate. I'm anal, only I'm still inside the colon. It's a mess. Sometimes I think that if I had some major crises that would force me into taking some sort of action that I'd be more successful. That I'd have some sort of motivation. That's why I'm such a procrastinator. The best pieces of writing I've ever handed in were the 20+ page papers written the night before they were due. I look back and read them now and wonder how I even got the knowledge to write them in the first place! That pressure and that stress push me to success. Right now I'm so in Limbo that I have no drive to do anything. What's my carrot? What sort of fire can be lit under my bum? I have all these things to do and I want to plan them out second by second, penny by penny, and there are just too many variables that I am left with either an empty page or twenty different pages of possible outcomes. Yet no plan of action. I would love to get married, but Lord help me if I ever have to plan a wedding.
And so what I want is advice. I need somebody to tell me what to do. And I don't think becoming an Orthodox Jew is my answer--although I'll bet I'd be good at it (aside from the whole Jesus is my Savior part). Yeah, it's nice when people listen and nod and blah blah blah, but seriously, tell me how to fix it and I'll do it! Point me to the Bible verse that will be my revelation and I'll paint it on my eyelids so I can see it in my sleep. Zap me with motivation so I can just do nothing but pray instead of sit. It's not like I'm asking you to do the work for me. Just begging you to tell me what to do! I'm smart enough to know what's reasonable and what's not, so I know better than to take everything at face value, but I don't learn anything when you just listen to me. I learn by listening to others. (Which suddenly makes me understand why I love classes that are lecture and hate ones where I have to do group work).
Ugh.